See usually when us girls complain to you men we feel fat, we dont want you to agree or tell us how good we looked 20 something pounds ago, we want you to tell us we are beautiful to you, and that we could weigh two tons and you’d find us attractive.  Hell man lie if you have to!!!

My doctor had to up my abilify and it made me gain about 10 lbs.  So of course with my history of bullimia and my body dysmorphic issues I feel like Im fat as hell.

Being the loving supportive bf my guy is he tells me. ” well I thought you looked good when I saw you last * I weighed  130 then* so you can get down to that we will both be happy and you can stop worrying about it.”

Not what I wanted to hear.  Not at all.  Every guy Ive dated has told me Im fat even when I weighed 110 lbs I got told I was fat.  So to hear this from someone whom I wanted to hear ” to me you’re beautiful no matter what you weigh” really hurt my feelings.

I had been working harder at not feeling fat or thinking I was fat.. I thought I needed to loose about 5 lbs and tone up my body a lot more.. now I feel like I need to loose about 25 lbs just to be attractive..  I see the doctor my new shrink next week and was going to ask him about my weight.  If he said it was in a healthy range I wasn’t going to worry about it…

Now I think I need to go and join Weight Watchers which I was thinking about anyways.  Can’t go back to the bullimia since if I make myself vomit on welbutrin I can have a seizure and they can be permanant.  My consumers at work have those and they are scary when they have clonic tonic or full body ones.  The partial ones aren’t so bad they just are in la la land for the time they’re having the seizure. 

This will teach me not to complain about my weight to my bf just to my therapist and maybe Richard Simmons… =( 

I told him I wasn’t upset but I am my feelings are hurt, and now I just feel fat and unattractive..

So let this be a lesson to you men.. if your woman says do I look fat always say no!! Even if you think she looks like a killer whale she doesnt want you to validiate her crappy self image she wants you to tell her shes beautiful no matter what…

One thing that  bugs me is when I tell ppl how long we’ve dated the first thing they say is “why aren’t you two married?”  I usually say “because neither of us is in a big hurry that’s why.”  There are more reasons than that, the timing hasn’t been right for one, for two at the end of the day  while I’d love to be married to P, if he doesn’t want more than boyfreind/girlfreind I am ok with that.  I would rather have him in my life in that sense than to not have him at all.

I;m not one of those women that gives ultimatums of marry me or else.. I really could be engaged to him for a good 5 years or more and be ok with it.  I want some sort of a wedding this time, even if its only eloping to Vegas.

See the first time I got married, EH said “I dont care ” everytime  I would ask for his inupt on anything.  So my dad helped me plan my wedding.  EH decides 3 months before our wedding to call all the places we put deposits on and told them our wedding was off.  So I lost a couple of thousand bucks on various deposits even a 300 dollar deposit on my wedding dress.

He changes everything saying he wants a “medevil” wedding, so I just wanted to get married and  went along with it.  This time I won’t compromise everything I want.  I am willing to negoiate, to compromise on things  of course I want input from P on things, like when we get married what kind of wedding he wants etc.

I want a small intimate affair family and close freinds only.  But I do want to wear a beautiful wedding dress and have my daughter as my MOH.  I know not all girls are into the white wedding, but ever since I was 5 I have been.

Of course I want P’s input as well on things if he wants to have input if not its ok.

I think in any relationship you have to be willing to compromise.  You aren’t always going to win, or loose, but you can meet in the middle so both parties can benefit.

I think that with a few of my freinds and some of my mom’s freinds getting engaged I have engagment envy.  Id love to get engaged n wait a while to marry.  I want time to save for the wedding I want, and just to enjoy the engagment really.

I am not going to be one of those brides who could by a house with how much they’ve spent for a wedding, but I dont feel its wrong to want a wedding with bells and whistles any more than its wrong to go to Vegas or a courthouse to marry.

At the end of the day you’re married regardless of if you’re in a Vera Wang gown or a pair of blue jeans.  Whether you go to the courthouse or have a big to do.

For me its the idea that somone would want to ask me to marry them… its the idea that Im what someone wants… I know Im what P wants for life, its a matter of when will it happen??

In my marriage I was a playstation widow, my hubby was more intrested in spending time with the play station than with me.  I’ve known couples who have broken up because one of them is always on a computer or playing video games etc rather than spend time with their partner.

I think you need a balance; you need your time with your partner but you need your own hobbies, intrests and freinds so that you’re not co-dependant on your partner.

Freindships are much the same way;  you dont want to always rely on one freind, you want to have at least two good freinds and maybe a lot of aquaintences.  You can’t not nurture the freindship and expect it to thrive.  It needs attention and care.  It has to be both ppl giving and nurturing not always just one person doing all the work.

I see my daughter go through what I do with freinds sometimes; she does all the work while she gets little in return .  Its taken me till my 30′s to realize those ppl aint worth the effort they take.  If they can’t msg you, text you, call you, just to say hi then why should you be avalible 24/7?

So when you do decide to leave an unhappy or unhealthy relationship of any kind why is it such a shock to ppl when you do leave?

I hope that 2012 will be better but Im not holding my breath for that one either… Let me recap my suckish year…

I mean I think for me everything that could go wrong did the only good thing was I got a job and got to go back to work, which in a way turned out bad since SSI is now cutting my check by half even though I need all of it to live on, and not to have to struggle.

My bills are piling up, my health’s been poor this year, I got broken up with, one of my best freinds got engaged even though she’s not even divorced yet, two of my other friends got engaged, I’ve lost a few freinds to death some to the fact Im tired of being the one that makes all the effort.  I lost my favorite aunt to death which made me think about my dad all over again.

My depression has been worse than its been in about 8 years, I started having blackout manic episodes and panic attacks.  I can barely afford Christmas for my kids, they’re getting about 5 things each which is better than no things each.  My car needs minor things fixed on it, but no money for that since all my creditors have now found me and are expecting me to pony up to solve my debt.

I was planning to file bankruptcy no money to pay the attorney the 580 bucks I still owe them.. who thought up that anyways?? If I’m bankrupt I have no money.. how the hell am I supposed to pay a lawyer???  I need to get it done though to re-establish good credit, mines in the hole thanks to my louse of an ex husband.

My daughter got more and more depressed thankfully no hosptialization this year but it came close once or twice.  I went back to binge eating as a way to cope with my anxiety which I’ve not done in like 6 years.  I went back to drinking on occasion and no longer give a shit if Im not 100% sober anymore.

I’ve wanted to crawl into a hole and die a lot more this year than I have in the past 8 years.  The economy is keeping me broke, it takes all I have to pay bills and eat.  There is no money for extra anything so I can’t do the things I want to do or get my apartment redecorated the way I want it to be.

I feel like a failure because I feel like everything good happens to everyone else, while everything bad happens to me… I feel cursed…..

Thats my sucky year in a nutshell tell me about yours…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5anLPw0Efmo&ob=av2e

She had to adjust my meds again.. I told her Im so depressed I dont want to get out of bed, I have to force myself to go to work, shower, take care of myself.. * I take care of my kids* I have crying spells for no reason.  I told Dr M that Im starting to think a coma would be great because then I can escape and not have to deal with reality.

I told her that last time I got this bad I had to be hospitlized  but I dont have time for that.  We both chuckled at that but its true, I dont have time for a nervous breakdown. I haven’t had any drug cravings thank goodness..

I just feel as though Im the one that died if it wasn’t for my kids and P I probaly would try to kill myself. I feel so worthless and hopeless.  Im so sick of hearing how “life isn’t fair” because it seems fair for others yet for me its always unfair…

I always end up with a shattered broken heart, in a black bleak place where I can never see the sun.  I feel so fragile right now that I feel as though Im made of spun glass like I will break any minute.

There is nothing I can do to fix how I feel, its all chemicals in my brain that are off. I talked to P Sunday which was nice… I think that I expect him to be online everyday or close to it, I mean even when Im sick or depressed I get online to talk to him.  I just want him to be dying to talk to me all the time.. I feel bad for him because he’s been sick a lot lately there is a lot of stuff going around, a lot of ppl at my work have been sick.

Another thing thats conflicting me is work.  I would love to go full time but am nervous that with me being a single mom I’d be missing work a lot and I want at some point to go back to school. We have subs which is what I do now, but Im afraid if I miss too much I’ll get fired.

SS cut my SSI by 300 bucks they count what I make two months out.. I mean hells bells I’ve told them I only work when needed like this month Im only working 10 days thats it.  I dont spend what I make in Novemeber in January I spend it in Novemeber.  Yet, SS counts November’s income for January’s check.

P and I are planning him coming to visit when I get income taxes I hope it works this time because every time we plan for him to come other things happen…

I feel another crying spell coming on so I shall blog later on…

Are you in love with her the way you say you’re in love with me?

Does she make you happy?

Does she treat you well?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life being with her?

Why can’t that be me?

I never have felt so alone as I do right now……

I will trust ppl till they give me reason not to however but at this moment Im having trouble thinking I can trust anyone period…

Sighs.. I so hate feeling like this.

The only things keeping me from swallowing an entire bottle or more of pills is my kids, P, and the fact Im scheduled to work this month and I can’t let ppl down.

I am going to tell my shrink all this Tuesday IDK what is wrong with me, but I had my bipolar controlled or so I thought.  Dr has had to change my meds 3 times in the last month..Im so sick of being a basket case… I dont blame P if he wants nothing more to do with me ever… I loose everyone I love so I shouldve known Id loose him too…

I think the whole back n forth thing is damaging my mental health. I feel all in love and confident about my relationship then P vanishes for a few weeks or even a month or more.  When he was in the Army I understood that the Army had to come first.

But he’s been out a year now, and nothing seems to have changed with us.  I did I guess on some level expect when he came home from Taiwain that he’d come see me and be moving in shortly after..

I dont need to hurry and marry anyone, but I’d like to be engaged to P.  Just to know that someone finds me worthy enough to spend their life with is all I want.  He and I have discussed getting married a lot in 9 years so yah I’ve thought it would happen..

But my mental illness took over and I’ve made a huge mess that I probaly can’t fix n I can’t blame him

maybe Im not meant to be in a relationship…..